Aside from being one of my favorite songs from the Wailin Jennys - which always reminds me of one of my favorite friends - Swallows are my favorite birds. Luckily there are a lot of them flying around Windhoek, and when I am feeling blue, I get to just look up and watch them swooping about with glee. One night this past week I was in a particularly over-socialized mood and needing some journal/alone time, so I waited outside for my host dad to pick me up and laid on the garden wall, watching the swallows... I think it was the first time here in southern Africa that I have felt one hundred percent at peace for an entire five minutes. It is moments like these that I am reminded of the magical quality of the world - that no matter what hardships may be happening, no matter what disaster I just finished studying in class - I can look up in the sky and remember (even if there aren't any swallows), that I am a small piece of a much larger living, breathing creation. There is a deep connection that we all have to one another, to this earth, and even though most of the time we've forgotten this and have become fragmented, this communal, connected knowledge is an essential, innate part of our being.
I think this is why things like murder, massacre, cruelty astounds us so much every time it happens - because we can't understand how anyone could be capable of committing such unspeakable acts. But I also see that the fragmentation of the communal understanding is a big reason why these things happen in the first place. We allow ourselves to exploit one another and forget that we are all living things deserving of respect and dignity and love. Instead we put up walls and create divides where there should be joint work towards the betterment of all. I got SO unbelievably angry when I heard about the Qu'ran burning possibility in the US... Wondering how we could have possible come to this place, that we have so little love, understanding, and respect for each other that we are willing to actually physically burn an entire religion's most sacred text and fuel the fire of hatred and violence...
It is here that I feel hopeless... but then I have days like today, when I get to talk to a community leader who is creating change within her own area - encouraging the knowledge, growth, health of everyone around her. I see people working together to fulfill the true human purpose, which is to love and care for one another - to feel and live out their connectedness. I remember that my feelings of hopelessness only gives in to the notion that we are doomed - and I want to never give into that deadened understanding of life. I want to continue to believe in the intrinsic goodness of all humanity and that we are capable of much better - and that I will continue to push to expect that of others, even if some may tell me that it is unrealistic.
If we don't believe in and expect something better and different, I do fear that we will only continue to be broken, fragmented, and at odds with one another. This kind of societal change is one of the most difficult things in the world - though I do believe it is possible. It is all about re-working the fragmentation. It means challenging ever person's privilege - it challenges ideologies. It means looking nakedly at ourselves and our wrong doings - it means recognizing the ways that we do indeed affect other people and taking responsibility for it. It means giving up the lies we've been told - like the idea that people simply pull themselves up by their bootstraps (which just allows those of us that are privileged to feel better about ourselves when we've "made it" - even though we've all had a hell of a lot of help and privilege along the way to help us get where we are at - not just our own strength, will and work). We are all capable of great things - of fulfilling our dreams - but some of us have a much bigger hand up in the world simply by the color of our skin, what family, what religion, what place we were born into. And with that - it means recognizing that what we have in place is a sick, cruel system in the world that is not "development" but, on the contrary, is an immature system of "I want, I want, I want" and "only you and you get to be in my club house" that we condemn in three year olds.
I think that is a part of why I think it is so important to work so hard to rebuild and reconnect internally. I have come to see my own fragmentation, my misguided understanding of body, soul, and mind. It has taken me a long time to rework my thinking and my understanding of myself and of how I affect others positively and negatively. To reconnect myself to what is true and real internally, and to let go of the external ideas that have done nothing but damage me. To face the good, the bad, and the ugly about myself. I am still continuously working at this - remembering to be kind, gentle, and loving towards myself when I don't get it right, since, after all, we are always learning till the moment we die and will never be perfect. Plus, if I can't give grace to myself, there is no way I'll be able to give grace to other people.
And what does this have to do with the rest of the world? Well, I could be completely wrong about this, so forgive me if I am totally off base... but in my mind, by understanding my own complexities, my messy parts, I am more able and willing to listen to others - to give that grace to others who have faults because I intimately know and am working through my own. I am more open to the possibility that I could be wrong - that I could be acting out of my own privileged ideology - and should take in all perspectives before formulating my "truth" (recognizing that perspective and "truth" is pretty subjective) I am more willing to see the humanity and goodness in others, no matter what they have done, because I understand that I also have the capacity to do great evil and great good - I've just been lucky to have the resources, community, and opportunity to stay mostly on the side of good. I can remember that we are all grasping for life and realness and for what is good - we've just gotten confused about how to do it - and mixed up about what is really "good". So much of the time it has become this self-centered, material focused "security" that we scramble for, ultimately cutting out other people from getting a piece of the world pie. I see this here so clearly - globalization, neo-liberal economists, multi-national corporations... all working for what they perceive to be "good", but are leaving out entire populations of people, and worse, most of the time are actively exploiting them. See, fragmentation.
What we need more than anything now is healing - and as hippie dippy as this sounds, I do believe it to be true. Healing in our understanding of ourselves, of each other, and how this world should be working and the systems we use to implement it. If we heal from our fragmentation, from our past wounds, we are so less likely to continue to use, abuse, and exploit those around us, while scrambling for some semblance of "security" and to get "what we deserve" at the cost of others. We will see that we are all in need, that we all deserve stability, that it makes no difference where we've come from, what we've done, what we've seen - that we are all created in love, by love, and therefore deserve love.
At church on Sunday, there was a bird flying around inside - and during the service I got to look up and feel at peace watching this birdie swooping around. However I did leave feeling worried because I didn't want it to die there seeing how there isn't much food to be had inside a church building...
Later on in the evening Mgeno picked Iyaloo and me up at CGE, and there in the back seat, laid a box with a bird chirping, tweaking out, and scratching away inside. Back at the house I followed Mgeno to the side of the house where we found a bird sanctuary I didn't even know existed! He put the little, freaked out fella inside and smiled. When I asked him how he caught the bird, he said, "well actually, first I blinded him..." we both proceeded to crack up for about five min - after which he clarified that when the bird had gone into a little space he had put his flash light on it (blinded by the light!) and scooted it into a basket. Not only did I find out something new about my host dad - that all those birds in there had been saved from nooks and crannies in the church - but I was reminded that sometimes care, love and healing can happen in the most surprising and least expected ways. It still takes work on our part - the dirty, frustrating work of digging up the past, examining it, and re-piecing it in a way that allows us to move on with our lives with our full history integrated into the newness of our on-the-road-to-healing selves.
So yes, there is all of this crazy fragmentation - there are times and places that may feel, and may actually be, dire - there are times that we are trapped in a building with no food. And yes, change sucks and is freaky, and we are very, VERY, good at being stubborn and rejecting ideas that challenge our privilege, that make us face our messy and complicated histories. But someone, something may come out of nowhere, and blind us. And later, after a bit of tweaking out, scratching the sides of the box, after feeling like we are in the dark - we open our eyes and see that the top of the box is in fact open, and find that we've been placed in an unexpected sanctuary where we can begin to fully heal.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Pictures! (this is all I could upload for now - enjoy all 7 of them! ha)
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| Sunset in Johannesburg |
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| HIV awareness campaign in Jo-Burg |
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| The Stadium! |
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| School where the famous "Sarafina" movie was filmed - it is a pseudo-musical about the student uprisings |
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| Memorial for the students who stood up to Apartheid |
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| Hector Peterson who was killed during the 1976 student uprising against "Bantu Education" - his sister, who is in this photo, spoke to us at the memorial. |
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| "To honor the youth who gave their lives in the struggle for freedom and democracy" |
Blessings, insomnia, and a place to call home.
I cannot believe that is already September! It blows my mind, and also makes me feel a bit panicky about the pace that time is passing by. Classes are starting and things are getting even more busy, which makes the days go by even quicker, which brings about more exhaustion... And speaking of classes, I have a ton of homework I need to pounce on, but I wanted to give some semblance of an update since too much happens in a week for me to put this off...
First off, blessings. I have met a few Namibian's here and there which is what I want to be doing a lot while I am here. I don't have much interest in staying inside the CGE house in "little America" with the other students all the time which is easy to fall into sometimes. One of the people I've met, Rosa, let me tag along with her and a few of her friends to a Spoken Word event at the College of the Arts last week. All I can say is: Awesome. I was blown away by all the people who got up to perform, there was everything from stand up comedy, to rap, to poetry, and R&B. Honestly, (with no offense to anyone I've ever heard perform before...) it was one of the best things I've even heard/seen in my life! There was a great balance of political commentary, humor, poetic form, and musical genius... yeah definitely a highlight of my time here. Luckily, this event happens at the beginning of every month so I hope to be able to get back there a couple more times during the semester.
I am also feeling more settled - realizing that although I do love and need alone time to process and do internal work, I need to also balance that out with time among others of the human race... including people inside and outside of the house. A blessing has come with realization in the fact that though I have been so good these past years at being on my own, I have also been stunting my growth in relationships with others to a certain extent. Yes I love to listen to and spend time with people, but I have not necessarily been allowing others to be a piece of MY personal growth. There are the few places where I've let people into my own weird little world, usually those who already know me well and have been a part of what I've experienced in my life. But when it comes to explaining to others why I am the way I am, and why I believe what I believe, I can see I am lacking... Part of this is because being Mennonite is more cultural than I had even understood before, (and I've been in the Mennonite bubble a good portion of my life) and so some of the common ground, or at least general understanding I usually take for granted is not present when I talk about my life, which can prove to be difficult for communication at times... But a bigger part is my conscious or unconscious ability and drive to allow others to come and change me, teach me, and surprise me. I am trying to remedy this at present, and lets hope it only continues to get better! The awesome part of this is that I get to let others into my life even more deeply, including those I've just met, and get to walk along with people hand in hand on this crazy international journey.
Speaking in more practical present tense situations... My homestay started Thursday evening and has been better than I could have hoped! I am staying with a couple Mdiku and Mgeno - Mgeno is the pastor of a Lutheran church and is a warm older gentleman who has a great laugh and sense of humor. Mdiku is a bubbly, loving host-mom who is constantly surprised at my willingness to eat whatever may come my way. They have a student living them as well who is doing an internship at their church (crazy coincidence...) her name is Iyaloo and has a joking personality and a spit fire attitude that I really enjoy. It is nice to have someone around my age who is interested in similar things hanging around the house, and who is willing to let me invade their space a bit.
On Sunday Ijaloo gave an incredible sermon talking about praise and thanksgiving to God no matter what present situation we may be in. Her words hit home not only because of past experiences, but also because I need to remember that here when I have my difficult moments. I need to remember that no matter how frustrating, sad, or overwhelming a situation may be, it will pass, and there are always things to be thankful for and things that can be gained. During the service I was fortunate to receive another huge blessing that was unexpected, and honestly undeserved. On Saturday night Ijaloo asked me to sing after the sermon, I (thinking she was joking) replied "oh yeah, ha ha"... come Sunday morning, it turns out that she was indeed being serious, and that I better go ahead and get prepared because it was happening. So, at my first Sunday in church in Namibia, I got to sing Amazing Grace after Ijaloo's sermon. And though I felt a bit awkward being this random person showing up to church one Sunday and taking up space - it was definitely one of the most powerful experiences of my life. While standing in front of the sanctuary singing this song, I heard the entire congregation humming along with me... it is difficult to explain how that felt exactly except to say that I surely felt the presence of something bigger than myself that morning, and felt connected deeply to all those individuals in that moment.
To sum up - these days I am feeling both more at ease and more restless. On one hand, I am loving getting to know this city better, loving being at my homestay and feeling like I am actually coming home each evening. On the other hand, I am in some ways feeling more anxious, sleeping with more difficulty, and at random moments am feeling frustrated that I can't just go out for a walk alone when I want to... But this is to be expected I guess when living in a very new place, and having to process so much conflicting information; one minute seeing how amazing people are, the progress communities are creating for themselves, and then the next minute seeing the conditions people are forced to live in, the inequalities that are still very much alive after Apartheid has ended, and knowing the uphill battle there is still left to fight.
I think that is all that I have for you at this present moment... sorry about the delay getting this out there - I started writing it three days ago... Hope you are doing well!
First off, blessings. I have met a few Namibian's here and there which is what I want to be doing a lot while I am here. I don't have much interest in staying inside the CGE house in "little America" with the other students all the time which is easy to fall into sometimes. One of the people I've met, Rosa, let me tag along with her and a few of her friends to a Spoken Word event at the College of the Arts last week. All I can say is: Awesome. I was blown away by all the people who got up to perform, there was everything from stand up comedy, to rap, to poetry, and R&B. Honestly, (with no offense to anyone I've ever heard perform before...) it was one of the best things I've even heard/seen in my life! There was a great balance of political commentary, humor, poetic form, and musical genius... yeah definitely a highlight of my time here. Luckily, this event happens at the beginning of every month so I hope to be able to get back there a couple more times during the semester.
I am also feeling more settled - realizing that although I do love and need alone time to process and do internal work, I need to also balance that out with time among others of the human race... including people inside and outside of the house. A blessing has come with realization in the fact that though I have been so good these past years at being on my own, I have also been stunting my growth in relationships with others to a certain extent. Yes I love to listen to and spend time with people, but I have not necessarily been allowing others to be a piece of MY personal growth. There are the few places where I've let people into my own weird little world, usually those who already know me well and have been a part of what I've experienced in my life. But when it comes to explaining to others why I am the way I am, and why I believe what I believe, I can see I am lacking... Part of this is because being Mennonite is more cultural than I had even understood before, (and I've been in the Mennonite bubble a good portion of my life) and so some of the common ground, or at least general understanding I usually take for granted is not present when I talk about my life, which can prove to be difficult for communication at times... But a bigger part is my conscious or unconscious ability and drive to allow others to come and change me, teach me, and surprise me. I am trying to remedy this at present, and lets hope it only continues to get better! The awesome part of this is that I get to let others into my life even more deeply, including those I've just met, and get to walk along with people hand in hand on this crazy international journey.
Speaking in more practical present tense situations... My homestay started Thursday evening and has been better than I could have hoped! I am staying with a couple Mdiku and Mgeno - Mgeno is the pastor of a Lutheran church and is a warm older gentleman who has a great laugh and sense of humor. Mdiku is a bubbly, loving host-mom who is constantly surprised at my willingness to eat whatever may come my way. They have a student living them as well who is doing an internship at their church (crazy coincidence...) her name is Iyaloo and has a joking personality and a spit fire attitude that I really enjoy. It is nice to have someone around my age who is interested in similar things hanging around the house, and who is willing to let me invade their space a bit.
On Sunday Ijaloo gave an incredible sermon talking about praise and thanksgiving to God no matter what present situation we may be in. Her words hit home not only because of past experiences, but also because I need to remember that here when I have my difficult moments. I need to remember that no matter how frustrating, sad, or overwhelming a situation may be, it will pass, and there are always things to be thankful for and things that can be gained. During the service I was fortunate to receive another huge blessing that was unexpected, and honestly undeserved. On Saturday night Ijaloo asked me to sing after the sermon, I (thinking she was joking) replied "oh yeah, ha ha"... come Sunday morning, it turns out that she was indeed being serious, and that I better go ahead and get prepared because it was happening. So, at my first Sunday in church in Namibia, I got to sing Amazing Grace after Ijaloo's sermon. And though I felt a bit awkward being this random person showing up to church one Sunday and taking up space - it was definitely one of the most powerful experiences of my life. While standing in front of the sanctuary singing this song, I heard the entire congregation humming along with me... it is difficult to explain how that felt exactly except to say that I surely felt the presence of something bigger than myself that morning, and felt connected deeply to all those individuals in that moment.
To sum up - these days I am feeling both more at ease and more restless. On one hand, I am loving getting to know this city better, loving being at my homestay and feeling like I am actually coming home each evening. On the other hand, I am in some ways feeling more anxious, sleeping with more difficulty, and at random moments am feeling frustrated that I can't just go out for a walk alone when I want to... But this is to be expected I guess when living in a very new place, and having to process so much conflicting information; one minute seeing how amazing people are, the progress communities are creating for themselves, and then the next minute seeing the conditions people are forced to live in, the inequalities that are still very much alive after Apartheid has ended, and knowing the uphill battle there is still left to fight.
I think that is all that I have for you at this present moment... sorry about the delay getting this out there - I started writing it three days ago... Hope you are doing well!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Another Day in Namibia
Today I woke up early again. It seems impossible to sleep past 7:30am anymore... But the blessing in that is the beautiful scene I see as soon as I open my eyes. I am on the top bunk, and am placed right next to a window that looks directly towards a gorgeous tree outside (this is also a perfect place to watch the sunset as it falls behind the tree in the evening). I am slowly getting used to things here - and am glad to now have the schedule set out for the whole semester; now I actually know what I am in for! Apparently I am the only person stupid enough to be taking 4 classes and an independent study... but that is alright, there is no class I would want to drop! I'll be taking:
Racism and Resistance in Southern Africa and the U.S.
Political and Social Change in Namibia: A Comparative Perspective
The Development Process in Southern Africa
Religion and Social Change in Southern Africa.
So, if nothing else, I will academically get the most possible out of this place - though I hope that doesn't mean I'll be spending too much of my time reading...
So far classes have not officially started, but the learning still continues. On Friday we walked through Katutura in small groups with guides who are from/currently live there. Katutura, which means "the place where we don't want to live," is where many were displaced during Apartheid - and continue to be displaced from even today. During Apartheid this area had both single quarters for men working in the mines or other jobs in town (they were not allowed to have their families live with them), and was where blacks who had lived in the west area, now known as Hochland Park, were forcibly moved to. Today it is still a black neighborhood that is mostly impoverished and forgotten about by the government. Electricity and water is extremely expensive for families in these areas. Aside from these already small houses and relative lack in resources available in the area- Informal settlements abound here as well. We've driven up to some of the more mountainous areas right outside of town, where tin shack after tin shack span across the rise and fall of the hills. There is no electricity, no running water in these places, though there are some communal pumps that families go to for water. It is a frustrating thing to see - knowing that the main reason for the material reality of people's lives in these places are the fault of a government (not to mention a global economy) that for the most part works off of the exploitation and deprivation of those who are at the lower rung of societal hierarchies. All of this is to say that it is a heartbreaking thing to see for me, because it reminds me of how easily common humanity can be forgotten, and how we continue as a species to abuse one another.
On an internal note - I am glad to be taking the time to journal and reflect a lot on what I want to gain and give during this semester. I know I mentioned a bit in my past post, and sorry if this feels repetitive, but it is what I am thinking about a lot of the time, so here goes. I am increasingly understanding deeper and deeper, the real and important need for listening. I am a person with a strong personality, strong convictions, and a loud voice. This doesn't always allow the best setting for others to be heard and for me to be a listener... it is something I am becoming more aware of over time and am really trying to rework inside myself. I do love to listen to people, and consider myself pretty good at it in certain circumstances - when people are talking about their life experiences, their pain and struggles, their grief... I am more than ready to take a seat, listen, ask questions - I am genuinely interested in what people have to say about themselves. But, I have noticed, once it comes to certain political, social, Biblical, etc. ideals and opinions, it becomes harder and harder for me to keep my mouth shut. It is also difficult for me in that moment to acknowledge the fact that I do not have all the answers, and it becomes easy to devalue others thoughts in my mind. This is something I do NOT want to be doing. How can healthy relationships, healing, reconciliation, and the like happen on a macro level if I can't even manage to do it on the micro? Plus, thinking and acting in the way described above leaves me as the arrogant know-it-all that ends up being more isolated and stunted in personal growth than anyone else since it involves a certain amount of closed-mindedness. I want to continue to be pushed and challenged and I can't do that if I am not even taking the time to listen to what others have to say and allow them to share their own wisdom and truth.
This has been hardest when encountering what I consider to be sexist attitudes. Feelings about gender are very much varied in this part of the world - there are those who are actively seeking and creating equality, there are those who are doing the opposite. I've heard many different kinds of perspectives, some of which have included that men are the rational, women the emotional; that there are very specific gender roles that should be followed (it was also suggested that because I grew up in an abnormal situation, aka had a single mother most of the time who supported us, my view of gender was skewed, and that this was a problem). These kinds of comments really, really get under my skin, and it is very hard for me to let go enough to allow people to speak and be respected. Even the way I wrote those opinions has an air of condescension! So yes, I am trying to learn to feel less threatened by those who feel differently than me about things, and to remember that my opinions are not above any other - we are all floundering around trying to find the truth, and we are all from different places and experiences. I am trying to take my own advice from my sermon earlier this summer - that diversity is not a threat, but a thing that can help us grow and become better, more evolved people. Diversity is something to enrich my life, and others expressing their opinions is not taking anything away from me - it is not a threat! - and that if I want others to genuinely listen to me, I've first got to extend the favor. Ugh, sometimes my passion and urgency get the best of me, and I falter into the needing to make my point/be right pattern; but I have all the faith in the world that, eventually, I will figure some of it out and at least spend most of the time being a better person/better listener. Okay, enough of my rambling on and on about personal betterment - I am sure it is not what you all come here to read...
This coming week is the first real week of schedules and classes and all that, so though it is a welcome change and sense of stability, it also means more homework and less time to sit and ponder (Not that there has been a lot of time for that any way...) I appreciate the thoughts and prayers as this week begins and I start classes - also I'll be heading off to a 10 day urban homestay this week which should be awesome. I will update you again when I've got some good stuff to say. Thanks so much to all of you who have been writing to me! Though I may not have had the time to write back to you yet, know that it really means a lot to me and that I love to hear from you! Keep sending notes along my way if you like and I will gladly read them :) Hope you are doing well in all the different parts of the world you may be residing at this point in time -
With much love, hope, and willingness to change,
Maggie
Racism and Resistance in Southern Africa and the U.S.
Political and Social Change in Namibia: A Comparative Perspective
The Development Process in Southern Africa
Religion and Social Change in Southern Africa.
So, if nothing else, I will academically get the most possible out of this place - though I hope that doesn't mean I'll be spending too much of my time reading...
So far classes have not officially started, but the learning still continues. On Friday we walked through Katutura in small groups with guides who are from/currently live there. Katutura, which means "the place where we don't want to live," is where many were displaced during Apartheid - and continue to be displaced from even today. During Apartheid this area had both single quarters for men working in the mines or other jobs in town (they were not allowed to have their families live with them), and was where blacks who had lived in the west area, now known as Hochland Park, were forcibly moved to. Today it is still a black neighborhood that is mostly impoverished and forgotten about by the government. Electricity and water is extremely expensive for families in these areas. Aside from these already small houses and relative lack in resources available in the area- Informal settlements abound here as well. We've driven up to some of the more mountainous areas right outside of town, where tin shack after tin shack span across the rise and fall of the hills. There is no electricity, no running water in these places, though there are some communal pumps that families go to for water. It is a frustrating thing to see - knowing that the main reason for the material reality of people's lives in these places are the fault of a government (not to mention a global economy) that for the most part works off of the exploitation and deprivation of those who are at the lower rung of societal hierarchies. All of this is to say that it is a heartbreaking thing to see for me, because it reminds me of how easily common humanity can be forgotten, and how we continue as a species to abuse one another.
On an internal note - I am glad to be taking the time to journal and reflect a lot on what I want to gain and give during this semester. I know I mentioned a bit in my past post, and sorry if this feels repetitive, but it is what I am thinking about a lot of the time, so here goes. I am increasingly understanding deeper and deeper, the real and important need for listening. I am a person with a strong personality, strong convictions, and a loud voice. This doesn't always allow the best setting for others to be heard and for me to be a listener... it is something I am becoming more aware of over time and am really trying to rework inside myself. I do love to listen to people, and consider myself pretty good at it in certain circumstances - when people are talking about their life experiences, their pain and struggles, their grief... I am more than ready to take a seat, listen, ask questions - I am genuinely interested in what people have to say about themselves. But, I have noticed, once it comes to certain political, social, Biblical, etc. ideals and opinions, it becomes harder and harder for me to keep my mouth shut. It is also difficult for me in that moment to acknowledge the fact that I do not have all the answers, and it becomes easy to devalue others thoughts in my mind. This is something I do NOT want to be doing. How can healthy relationships, healing, reconciliation, and the like happen on a macro level if I can't even manage to do it on the micro? Plus, thinking and acting in the way described above leaves me as the arrogant know-it-all that ends up being more isolated and stunted in personal growth than anyone else since it involves a certain amount of closed-mindedness. I want to continue to be pushed and challenged and I can't do that if I am not even taking the time to listen to what others have to say and allow them to share their own wisdom and truth.
This has been hardest when encountering what I consider to be sexist attitudes. Feelings about gender are very much varied in this part of the world - there are those who are actively seeking and creating equality, there are those who are doing the opposite. I've heard many different kinds of perspectives, some of which have included that men are the rational, women the emotional; that there are very specific gender roles that should be followed (it was also suggested that because I grew up in an abnormal situation, aka had a single mother most of the time who supported us, my view of gender was skewed, and that this was a problem). These kinds of comments really, really get under my skin, and it is very hard for me to let go enough to allow people to speak and be respected. Even the way I wrote those opinions has an air of condescension! So yes, I am trying to learn to feel less threatened by those who feel differently than me about things, and to remember that my opinions are not above any other - we are all floundering around trying to find the truth, and we are all from different places and experiences. I am trying to take my own advice from my sermon earlier this summer - that diversity is not a threat, but a thing that can help us grow and become better, more evolved people. Diversity is something to enrich my life, and others expressing their opinions is not taking anything away from me - it is not a threat! - and that if I want others to genuinely listen to me, I've first got to extend the favor. Ugh, sometimes my passion and urgency get the best of me, and I falter into the needing to make my point/be right pattern; but I have all the faith in the world that, eventually, I will figure some of it out and at least spend most of the time being a better person/better listener. Okay, enough of my rambling on and on about personal betterment - I am sure it is not what you all come here to read...
This coming week is the first real week of schedules and classes and all that, so though it is a welcome change and sense of stability, it also means more homework and less time to sit and ponder (Not that there has been a lot of time for that any way...) I appreciate the thoughts and prayers as this week begins and I start classes - also I'll be heading off to a 10 day urban homestay this week which should be awesome. I will update you again when I've got some good stuff to say. Thanks so much to all of you who have been writing to me! Though I may not have had the time to write back to you yet, know that it really means a lot to me and that I love to hear from you! Keep sending notes along my way if you like and I will gladly read them :) Hope you are doing well in all the different parts of the world you may be residing at this point in time -
With much love, hope, and willingness to change,
Maggie
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Josie, Jo-Burg, The J...
First off - sorry that this took a bit to get posted... time is lacking, and internet has been spotty. But I do what I can, and I hope what I say below isn't too fragmented - there is just too much to say...
Okay, so more has happened in this past week and a half than I could ever possibly describe here - so I apologize ahead of time for the inevitable reality of left out details. Johannesburg was a whirlwind of emotions, experiences, and sights. I still feel like I am processing through all of it - hearing so much about the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, Mandela, and all the different political parties active in South Africa today and how they have changed (or some think not) over the years.
For instance, historically the African National Congress (ANC) was the black liberation party, the one that Mandela is a part of - and it is still considered by many to be so today. At the beginning I was all for this party, excited by its past, and the focus on nonviolence, though it didn't always manage to be during the struggle. However, I was pretty disappointed to hear some of the things that they have been doing presently... Though it is hard to make conclusions after hearing so many different viewpoints from speakers through out the week, to me it seems as if the ANC has lost some of its ideals. All the concepts are there - freedom for all, equality, the right to live in peace and happiness, the right to work, to have enough resources to support you and your family... but the follow through seems to be lacking. After going to Kliptown, a informal township literally right across the street from where the Freedom Charter (the new, progressive constitution of South Africa) was developed, and being stunned by the lack of resources, sanitation, electricity, paved roads... it feels as if some of the people who were in the struggle for liberation have been left in the dust now that the ANC has gained so much power in the country. The wealth has accumulated for some, but many of the poor are still poor. How is the ANC really doing its job if there are those living in tin shacks, without proper sanitation, and on and on. In some ways the sight of Kilptown reminded me of those infomercials asking for money while showing some barefooted child running through sewage ridden streams along streets (a definite reality we saw while walking around), the tendency to pity and dehumanize the residents of this place worries me. It is so easy to forget that these people have agency and capabilities just like the rest of us - and that only continues to dis-empower them. Although obviously no one should have to live in the way that this community has been forced - they are not taking it lying down. They are calling out to the government, organizing themselves, demanding their rights - the problem is that it seems to be largely ignored by those who are supposed to enact positive change for South Africans at the macro level. It is hard not to feel cynical about politics after seeing so much of the moral fallout that seems to happen once people gain control, but if it isn't keeping people in Kliptown from fighting, I have no right to become overwhelmed and apathetic - I don't have to live through their reality, I only had to walk through it for an afternoon.
On a more positive note though... Among the stories of intense grief, trauma, and abuses - I have also been able to hear amazing stories of courage, hope, and resilience since I've been here. There are those who were students in the uprisings against Apartheid, mothers or fathers who risked their lives for their children - just incredible narratives of strength. Though I do believe after hearing and seeing what I have that the TRC did not do nearly enough to bring about real reconciliation, I have been impressed with South Africa's ability to continue on with out intense racial hatred. Pretty much everyone I've talked to say that Apartheid was a problem with a system, and that they have no negative feelings towards white people - that Apartheid is in the past, and that they are all now united as one. Even those that were beaten, those that were targets by the regime, those that lost loved ones to the injustices of the times, are able to look through it and see the complexities of the situation and know that its was not an individual thing. I am astonished at this ability to move on in light of the amount of pain Apartheid caused, but I do also sometimes worry that forgetting the past is too much a part of that. That the tendency to want to erase the painful history overrides the need to continue to process, reconcile, and to never forget in able to ensure that nothing like this happens again. Forgiveness, in my opinion, especially here, cannot be at all about forgetting. There are things that need to still be acknowledged and owned; there are things that cannot be forgotten as much as some might want to because it is painful to remember. Full healing can only occur in the old is brought into the new - if the pain of the past is processed and incorporated into the reality of now and who South Africa is today. I do not know how this could happen necessarily, though one thing I hear a lot seems to be the wish that there could be conversations between blacks and whites - the this is one distinct piece the TRC failed to require - because in many ways, things are still separate here. There needs to be space and time for people from all sides to come together and just hear one another out.
Thinking about all these things - trying to process it all - overall I feel exhausted, but so happy. I feel like there has been so much information crammed into my brain in just ten days, I don't know how I am going to fit everything else that is coming my way in the next three months. I am saddened by the evilness that was able to breed here in the past, impressed with the forgiveness of people, and frustrated by the inequalities and lack of reparations that are still occurring today.
And now already we are on the next new part of the journey in Southern Africa. Yesterday we arrived in Namibia where the rest of our course will take place until the end of November. We are living in a great house in Windhoek - but it is small. I am living in a room with five roommates... a stretch for me, but hey, many people live like this everyday, and there are always ways to bring about positive change in oneself when presented with difficult situations... So, that is how I am approaching this housing situation, but this program in general. Though there are frustrations and negativity at times, I do not want that to be what I spend my energy on. I want to let this time, these things, mold and shape me into a better, healthier person - I want to work on my mindfulness with those I live with, and those that we visit and spend time with. I want to continue learning how to listen better - to give space to others, and to validate the importance of their stories and their lives. I want to keep moving towards a shift in perspective and a willingness to grow at every opportunity. I want to take and give all that I can in the months to come. And when I can, I want to clue you in on all that is taking place internally and externally. We'll see how it works out!
Hope you all are doing well - know that I am thinking of and loving you from afar! Until next time - take care and I seriously encourage you to check out some of the South African history if you have time - write me about it, or just write me in general (I do like to get news from people... something that I haven't gotten a lot of yet...) Bah I wish I could give a clearer picture of what all of this has been like, alas I am left with little time and little ability to give it justice! Also - do not worry, I'll be sending along pictures soon!
Yours,
Maggie
Okay, so more has happened in this past week and a half than I could ever possibly describe here - so I apologize ahead of time for the inevitable reality of left out details. Johannesburg was a whirlwind of emotions, experiences, and sights. I still feel like I am processing through all of it - hearing so much about the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, Mandela, and all the different political parties active in South Africa today and how they have changed (or some think not) over the years.
For instance, historically the African National Congress (ANC) was the black liberation party, the one that Mandela is a part of - and it is still considered by many to be so today. At the beginning I was all for this party, excited by its past, and the focus on nonviolence, though it didn't always manage to be during the struggle. However, I was pretty disappointed to hear some of the things that they have been doing presently... Though it is hard to make conclusions after hearing so many different viewpoints from speakers through out the week, to me it seems as if the ANC has lost some of its ideals. All the concepts are there - freedom for all, equality, the right to live in peace and happiness, the right to work, to have enough resources to support you and your family... but the follow through seems to be lacking. After going to Kliptown, a informal township literally right across the street from where the Freedom Charter (the new, progressive constitution of South Africa) was developed, and being stunned by the lack of resources, sanitation, electricity, paved roads... it feels as if some of the people who were in the struggle for liberation have been left in the dust now that the ANC has gained so much power in the country. The wealth has accumulated for some, but many of the poor are still poor. How is the ANC really doing its job if there are those living in tin shacks, without proper sanitation, and on and on. In some ways the sight of Kilptown reminded me of those infomercials asking for money while showing some barefooted child running through sewage ridden streams along streets (a definite reality we saw while walking around), the tendency to pity and dehumanize the residents of this place worries me. It is so easy to forget that these people have agency and capabilities just like the rest of us - and that only continues to dis-empower them. Although obviously no one should have to live in the way that this community has been forced - they are not taking it lying down. They are calling out to the government, organizing themselves, demanding their rights - the problem is that it seems to be largely ignored by those who are supposed to enact positive change for South Africans at the macro level. It is hard not to feel cynical about politics after seeing so much of the moral fallout that seems to happen once people gain control, but if it isn't keeping people in Kliptown from fighting, I have no right to become overwhelmed and apathetic - I don't have to live through their reality, I only had to walk through it for an afternoon.
On a more positive note though... Among the stories of intense grief, trauma, and abuses - I have also been able to hear amazing stories of courage, hope, and resilience since I've been here. There are those who were students in the uprisings against Apartheid, mothers or fathers who risked their lives for their children - just incredible narratives of strength. Though I do believe after hearing and seeing what I have that the TRC did not do nearly enough to bring about real reconciliation, I have been impressed with South Africa's ability to continue on with out intense racial hatred. Pretty much everyone I've talked to say that Apartheid was a problem with a system, and that they have no negative feelings towards white people - that Apartheid is in the past, and that they are all now united as one. Even those that were beaten, those that were targets by the regime, those that lost loved ones to the injustices of the times, are able to look through it and see the complexities of the situation and know that its was not an individual thing. I am astonished at this ability to move on in light of the amount of pain Apartheid caused, but I do also sometimes worry that forgetting the past is too much a part of that. That the tendency to want to erase the painful history overrides the need to continue to process, reconcile, and to never forget in able to ensure that nothing like this happens again. Forgiveness, in my opinion, especially here, cannot be at all about forgetting. There are things that need to still be acknowledged and owned; there are things that cannot be forgotten as much as some might want to because it is painful to remember. Full healing can only occur in the old is brought into the new - if the pain of the past is processed and incorporated into the reality of now and who South Africa is today. I do not know how this could happen necessarily, though one thing I hear a lot seems to be the wish that there could be conversations between blacks and whites - the this is one distinct piece the TRC failed to require - because in many ways, things are still separate here. There needs to be space and time for people from all sides to come together and just hear one another out.
Thinking about all these things - trying to process it all - overall I feel exhausted, but so happy. I feel like there has been so much information crammed into my brain in just ten days, I don't know how I am going to fit everything else that is coming my way in the next three months. I am saddened by the evilness that was able to breed here in the past, impressed with the forgiveness of people, and frustrated by the inequalities and lack of reparations that are still occurring today.
And now already we are on the next new part of the journey in Southern Africa. Yesterday we arrived in Namibia where the rest of our course will take place until the end of November. We are living in a great house in Windhoek - but it is small. I am living in a room with five roommates... a stretch for me, but hey, many people live like this everyday, and there are always ways to bring about positive change in oneself when presented with difficult situations... So, that is how I am approaching this housing situation, but this program in general. Though there are frustrations and negativity at times, I do not want that to be what I spend my energy on. I want to let this time, these things, mold and shape me into a better, healthier person - I want to work on my mindfulness with those I live with, and those that we visit and spend time with. I want to continue learning how to listen better - to give space to others, and to validate the importance of their stories and their lives. I want to keep moving towards a shift in perspective and a willingness to grow at every opportunity. I want to take and give all that I can in the months to come. And when I can, I want to clue you in on all that is taking place internally and externally. We'll see how it works out!
Hope you all are doing well - know that I am thinking of and loving you from afar! Until next time - take care and I seriously encourage you to check out some of the South African history if you have time - write me about it, or just write me in general (I do like to get news from people... something that I haven't gotten a lot of yet...) Bah I wish I could give a clearer picture of what all of this has been like, alas I am left with little time and little ability to give it justice! Also - do not worry, I'll be sending along pictures soon!
Yours,
Maggie
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Setting Off!
Greetings!
Seeing as how I will be jetting off into the unknown (hence the pensive, wondering photo above) and leaving the US for four months; and having heard that there might be a few people wanting to keep up to date with what I will be doing and seeing, I've made this here fancy blog. I won't be offended if only a few, or even none, of you all read this - but for those of you who are willing to let me take up some of your time, I will do my best to make the experience as enjoyable as possible. So, without further ado - here is my first official blog post:
At this moment, I am just about 24hrs away from shipping off to Johannesburg, South Africa for the first little jaunt of my fall semester! At this point I think I've repacked about 6 times and have finally gotten it down to my big backpack and two carry ons - impressive (to me at least) considering I am going to be gone for four months. I am currently trying not to be too anxious about everything - I am trying not to build expectations for the trip and in doing so have kept myself a bit in the dark about what all exactly I will be doing once I get there... Either way, I am excited for what these next months have in store for me! The basic jist I have of where I'll be going only comes from what my flight plans are (though there will be other trips in between these times) I will be in Jo-Burg Aug. 15th till Aug. 25th when we head to Windhoek, Namibia, where the bulk of the program happens. Then on Nov. 27th we all go to Cape Town for the last bit of the semester - I'll be staying for six days on my own (possibly with others if they are staying later too!) after the program ends. At this point I have no set plans, but I will probably spend those days in Cape Town - surfing for part of it I hope!
Though there are a lot of great things in store, I have to admit that I am very sad to be leaving my internship at Portland Mennonite Church though - it has been an incredible summer and I've learned more than I could have ever hoped! Big thanks and love go to Natalya, Rod, Curt and Rachel - you guys have blessed me in ways I cannot even begin to describe; you have taught me much and it has been a privilege to hear more about your lives and experiences. I also have to thank all of you who were there (and there in spirit!) for my growing and discerning process during my time here in Portland these past months. And a special thank you to Ken Domen and the kids for letting me invade their space for a while :)
Overall, I feel exhausted, exhilarated, panicked, and joyful. Tomorrow I plan to spend a bit of time with my Grampy, take a nice long ride on my bike before having to put it away and not touch it for months (tear!), and try to spend a few last moments with friends here in P-Town. Again, I basically have NO idea what I am getting myself into, but what ever it is, hopefully I will have time to write about it here so you all can join in when you feel the urge and read what musings I have about life in Southern Africa. Take care and feel free to write emails to me to give updates about your lives too! And as always, thanks for all your thoughts, prayers, and encouragements. See you in December!
Peace,
Maggie
Also, if you are curious about what the heck I am doing, especially if you haven't even heard that I am doing this before now... here is the program website: Namibia Program
And in case your geography is a bit rusty... here is a photo to help you see whereabouts I'll be:
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